Im Lonely, so lonely, I miss some one to hug, some one soft, i miss some one to wake up next to, to discuss things with, some one to share a private smile with, some one to share a secret laugh with, a flirtive glance, i knew being out here would be hard, but never this hard, im isolated out here, no one to share my feelings with or the inner me with.
The fleeting moments of intimacy i have are staid, mechanical a bodily function nothing more, i miss companionship, that genuine sense of being something more than 'me' and my professional daily routine.
I suppose if i intelectualise it, it will make me stronger harder, more rigerous, more defined professionally but at what price, every day im here, i become more in a work sense i become stronger in a work sense, but every day i become less as a person, as a man as me, i become distant from those i truly love, there is only so much weekly phone calls can do for me or the ones i love, how do i deal with it? I have friends here, but that's it. I have no one i truly love.
I live day by day, mostly for work, i have few 'distractions' the occasional nights out, a beer with the boys or the occasional OSA gathering, for these im glad a welcome distraction from the otherwise bleak life i live. For example tonight ive had a lovely evening with my dear friend Lisa in a 5 star hotel. We mentioned in the cab a small club playing nasty techno is what we needed – not here – so here i am at 2am hammering out words on my keyboard in the one of the only releases i have hammering out my feelings to you dear reader.
My routine is
wake up have a shower, cup of coffee with the BBC podcast of the day, drive into work in air-conditioned car, walk across parking lot, get to office do some routine bullsh*t all day, trip over same hurdles that have been there since day one, possibly have lunch in the cafeteria on my own if i can stomach something from their hideous food line up, finish routine bullsh*t for the day, go home in said air-conditioned car, cook dinner, watch a film or listen to music for an hour or so. Go to bed, getup rinse & repeat for 3 more days if = overtime then repeat previous if=not then wake up late shower, coffee & BBC pod cast, clean house, go to A/C'd mall buy food, watch film then go to bed.
Occasional Var = replace watch film with have drinks out.
For those 'blue' readers out there you will get this when i say my life is about crying and masturbation – for those not acquainted with the rather 'in' meme – its a slagging off phrase that 'we developed' that is a kind of laughing self mocking insult to those who are not doing anything on any particular night.
There is some thing to be said about living for tomorow, but when tomorrow comes and its exactly the same as yesterday.
Right now im listening to a pressure drop remixed version of 8th wonder by sugerhill gang the last time i played this track was 9 months ago to about 300 people in the bigchill house who were going for it. What has my life become – i could rock a crowd of people in a jovial social atmosphere packed with friends. Not here.
There is nothing here it is bleak like the desert i only wish it was as hot.